a failure



i wish i can stop being this weak, mentally. i wish i can be more positive and optimistic for my own sake. i wish i can stop overthinking things that are beyond my control. i wish i can be born luckier than this. i wish i can hold back my tongue better. i wish i can stop comparing myself to other people because this habit is very toxic.

but i can't. i can't do any of these.

i think i expect too much from myself and it's ruining me inside out. maybe my goal or my vision isn't that impossible but it is my fault for not throwing in enough efforts to accomplish any of it.

and i know it is too early for me to be worried over this but i can't help it. i can't help but to think about where i'm going next. i have RM20k to pay back to JPA and i definitely wouldn't involve my parents in this business anymore. and i've been pondering about where to go after i graduate. what should i do? what kind of career will i be able to take? and what kind of career that i am able to take will help me to pay back the RM20k? i know i shouldn't be thinking too far and just live the moment.

but this sem has been so stressful. it has been a complete mess for me and for my current corsework. it feels like there's no hope left for me to score and save my gpa. i kind of think that i might even fail one of my subjects. less exaggeration, i might get C's and i can't afford a single C because JPA needs 3.00 gpa and i myself have a target for myself, which is to stay deanslist. and it seems so impossible now.

grades aside, i don't even know if i would like to pursue engineering in the future. growing up, up until high school, i've always thought that i love engineering and i can follow my dad's step. but studying chemical engineering so far makes me realize that i may have a spark of ambition to be an engineer but i'm not passionate over it and i might not be able to ignite the spark into a daring, bright flame.

and what makes me worried even more is that i can't even find something that i'm passionate about. to top that, i don't even have a talent.

i feel like a failure.

i am a failure to my parents. sorry mak ayah.

also, i realize how easily i get lonely these days. i want nothing but to be back home in my mom's embrace and her stern-yet-lovely advices. i want to be back home in the embrace of kak uda and be hugged until i fall asleep, mouth open. sometimes, when i look at mak ayah and see the wrinkles on their faces, i feel so bad. they work so hard. ayah works outstation almost every week and then here's his daughter, failing herself and her dad's efforts. ayah always says, "kalau pasal duit jangan risau" and it makes me feels so bad. i feel so bad for taking the privilege for granted. i feel so bad for... not being able to do my best and gift them with great results or certificates or awards or performances that they can be proud of. all i ever want to achieve in life is to make my parents proud of me but i can't even achieve that.

i feel like a huge failure.



and i really hate my uni for cancelling the 4-month sem break. i definitely need that to rejuvenate myself and to work part-time because i always find comfort and serendipity in working part-time. but well thanks, no more of that now, and i might stay depressed till i drop dead. 

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