its been a long time

I'm such a bad, bad daughter.

I remember how rebellious I've been all this while.
How much I've been making things harder for them.
I regret everything.

Now that I look back.



I've always had that one guy, that one man, who always treats me like the most precious princess.
"Nani nak tak? Ayah boleh belikan. Ayah boleh ambikkan."
"Nani nak tak?"
"Nani nak tak?"
"Nani nak tak?"
"Nani nak apa?"

All these and I still give him hardships.
I've been one really bad daughter.

And that, when Mak told me that Ayah once dreamed and woke up calling my name, that just shows how much he thinks of me.
And what did I do to repay him for everything he's done?
Rebel.

I'm such a bad, bad daughter.

And he, that one man who always caresses and strokes my cheeks with love, one who calls my name first after giving salam when entering the house. One who lets me rest and provides every medication I need, no matter how much it costs. One who provides me with the latest technology devices.
"It's okay. Nani buat the best dalam exam. Okay la tu."
When in fact good results are for my own good, he still provides gifts despite my bad demeanours.

And what did I do to appreciate him?
Rebel.

I never appreciate the best blessing that Allah has given me. Now it all comes to me why I've always been facing so much misery in small things.
Because I don't appreciate the biggest thing He's gifted me with - parents.

The best mak and ayah I can ever ask for.


Mak, though.
She understands a lot. I can't even promise myself to be as understanding as her to my children in the future. I wonder how she gets the grasp of how my mind works when her age is like ages apart. And still, what did I do to appreciate her?
Rebel.

I've been one bad, bad daughter.

When she, the queen, brings me to go shopping and she says "mak kena cucuk duit dulu" just like cucuk pinggang, when she says "mak nak amik duit" just like saying to take some stones on asphalt. And when I go to see fashion and makeup stuffs, she's there recommending things I probably should try. And when she hears me listening to some hiphop or kpop songs she'll be sitting there, listening and trying to understand my taste in music and crack up some misheard lyrics.
She always tries to understand me.
She always tries to read my mind.
She always tries to hear my problems.
She always tries to help me with my problems.
She always tries to help me with school work even if she's not good in Physics, but she always tries.
She always tries to enjoy what I enjoy.
She always, always and always tries to understand me. Always.

And what did I do to appreciate her?
Rebel.

I've been one bad, bad, bad daughter.


And when I asked them which university I should go and said I don't mind which one, I'd definitely go to the one they prefer, they chose the private uni.
They hope, and hope, and never lose hope, for me to get a scholarship. No matter how many times I've said there's no scholarship for foundation programme, they never lose hope. And if there's still no scholarship given, okay, they'll pay.
"Yang penting nani belajar rajin rajin."

And I still thought my life is the worst.


I should have been more grateful.
I'm ugly - it's okay.
I'm short - it's okay.
I'm fat or chubby whatever you call it - it's okay.
I have that bulky looking especially with big bust - it's okay.
I'm not that smart - it's okay.
I'm not socially accepted - it's okay.
I have minor social anxiety - it's okay.
I'm not the type that people look for as a friend or anything - it's okay.
I'm simply a rolling potato - it's okay.
I'm just a trash in people's eyes - it's okay.


I'm still a princess to their eyes.
And I can't be any more grateful for that. Alhamdulillah.