Silent Confession

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
(I'm confessing here where no one would be reading it so... that's why I name this 'Silent Confession')



On 29th Nov, I went to KPM Beranang to sit for UKK MRSM, a test to test your acceptance for MRSM.


At first, I thought I'd just go for fun, to test my luck instead of acceptance but now

I think I'm not.





I really wish I'm accepted.

I really want to move out.




Look, is there any reason why I need to stay?
Teachers? Upper form's and lower form's teacher are not the same anyway, so that shouldn't be the reason.

Friends? I don't have real friends. Sometimes, I think they're just someone I interact with. I think I'm the one who always makes move to befriend them. It's all me. JUST ME. They're not real friends. Just not.

Environment? I can grow up my own environment in a new place, inshaallah.

There's no reason to not move out if I'm accepted.


And if I'm accepted, I'm gonna be a best friend of a corner. (if you know what I mean)


I'm just tired of having friends while in fact they don't even want to befriend with me. It's only an interaction where we meet everyday at school and we're close.

I think that's all.







I...
I actually have always prayed for all of you. All of Excellians. All of my friends, my close friends. I always miss you. I always wish to meet you, all of you. I always hope to talk to you everyday.

And I always wish you to feel the same but no.

You don't. All of you.




I...
I have been tweeting a lot about Kpop these days to hide all these feelings.
You say I'm crazy, I'm fine with it.
You say I'm ignorant about the outer world, I accept it.
You say I'm so head-over-heels, I deal with it.

I'm fine with everything. I accepted it all.

I just need a new whole world of schooling.




I don't know how to say this but...
I really thank Allah for giving me such loving parents. My father and mother don't bother to force me to stay or move out. They say it's all up to me.

Thanks, Mak, Ayah. :')